Ghosthunters and the Muddy Monster of Doom! Read online

  • Blast it with a mix of baking powder and scouring sand: The gritty coating will stop it from floating through walls and slow down its flying speed.

  • But don’t bother bonking it on the head with a hammer or a shovel or any other such implement, since it will only turn as limp as a licorice stick.

  A POSTSCRIPT ABOUT PAWOGS

  (PAle WObbly Ghosts)

  • P.S. They’re best combatted with laughing gas.

  A TIDBIT ON THE TOPIC OF SCREECHERS

  • The screech of the eponymous screecher is so freakishly, shriekishly shrill, it has the power to bend metal objects. This is useful if you happen to be hunting ghosts with either a dented bike tire rim or a twisted ice cream spoon: One screech and they’ll straighten out again. Otherwise, minus the aid of Hyper-Sound Filters (HYSOFs), expect to be rendered stone-deaf for up to thirteen days.

  IF SUBJECTED TO A SLURPER ATTACK …

  • Take pepper tablets for two months afterward. Side effects to pepper pill-popping include nonstop sneezing, so common sense suggests you stockpile tissues, too. (Nonstop sneezing is still better than being turned into a substandard Slurper with an insatiable thirst for saltwater.)

  TO RE-CREATE THE GHOSID

  (GHOst SImulation Disguise)

  • Paint your face a moldy green (see Hyssop & Co.’s range of “Ghostly Pallor” creams for dry, combination, and pimple-prone skin; available in matte for a dull, lifeless finish or moisturizing for a graveyard-dewy glow).

  • Put on a pair of moldy green overalls: To achieve the proper degree of moldiness, break them in by trapping TIBIGs in damp basements and/or castle dungeons. (For step-by-step instructions, see Ghosthunters and the Totally Moldy Baroness!)

  • Stink of cellars: another reason to go TIBIG-hunting.

  • Stick with your spectacles: Plenty of ghosts wear glasses in the great beyond; yours won’t give you away.

  A PROVISO APROPOS OF THIRTEENTH MESSENGERS

  (a.k.a. GHODEs or GHOsts of DEath)

  • Strap on protective goggles: One look at a Thirteenth Messenger with the naked eye and within the hour you’re ghost toast.

  • The protective goggles themselves are only good for a five-minute glance, so … no staring.

  • If you’ve made the almost certainly fatal mistake of gazing upon a GHODE without protective gear and you’re not already dead:

  – Gather up: cooking oil; marsh clover; red food coloring; lamps with red lightbulbs; the most powerful vacuum cleaner known to humankind; and two fellow ghosthunters, one who preferably is a member of the wrestling team, the other whose favorite hobby just happens to be housecleaning.

  – Drink the oil-clover-food-coloring concoction. It will, of course, taste repulsive.

  – Gaze into the burning red bulbs to banish flashing yellow lights from your sight.

  – Have the wrestler squeeze you till poisonous vapors stream out of your ears while the neat freak sucks up the deadly smoke with the vaccum cleaner.

  IN CASE OF AN ENCOUNTER WITH A MINOTAUR DEMON

  … you’re probably already a goner, but …

  • Be on guard if clocks start turning backward.

  • To bait a Zargoroth, set out a bucket of blood. Blood not sold by the bucketful in your neighborhood supermarket? Sprinkle a few sachets of Artificial Blood Aroma (a standard component of the ghosthunters’ kit) into a fake-out potion of grape juice and ketchup.

  • To corner a Zargoroth, surround it with a ring of fire. (It burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire.)

  • To defeat a Zargoroth, slice it clean in half with a sword. Once halved, the beast will dissolve into thin air with a supersonically stinky howl.

  • If you’ve already forgotten everything you just read, no worries: With the exception of Tom, Hetty, Hugo, Hornheaver, and Eugène de la Motette, no one has ever encountered this demon without losing his or her life or sanity. Best of luck, see you at the insane asylum.

  Indispensable Alphabetical

  APPENDIX OF ASSORTED GHOSTS

  AG Ancient Ghost

  ASG Averagely Spooky Ghost

  BLAGDO BLAck Ghost DOg

  BOSG BOg and Swamp Ghost

  CAG CAstle Ghost

  CG Cellar Ghost

  COHAG COmpletely HArmless Ghost

  FG Fire Ghost

  FOFIFO FOggy FIgure FOrmer

  FOFUG FOggy FUg-Ghost

  GG Graveyard Ghost

  GHADAP GHost with A DArk Past

  GHODE GHost Of DEath

  GIHUFO Ghost In HUman FOrm

  GILIG Gruesome Invincible LIghtning Ghost

  HIGA HIstorical Ghostly Apparition

  IRG Incredibly Revolting Ghost

  MG Marsh Ghost

  MUWAG MUddy WAters Ghost

  NAG NAture Ghost

  NEPGA NEgative Projection of a Ghostly Apparition

  PAWOG PAle WObbly Ghost

  RR RattleR

  SLUG SLUrper Ghost

  STKNOG STinking KNOcking Ghost

  SWG SWig Ghost

  TIBIG TIny BIting Ghost

  TOHAG TOtally HArmless Ghost

  TOMOB TOtally MOldy Baroness

  WG Water Ghost

  WHIWHI WHIrlwind WHIrler

  WL White Lady

  Miscellaneous Listing of NECESSITOUS EQUIPMENT AND NOTEWORTHY ORGANIZATIONS

  ABA Artificial Blood Aroma

  ACH Air CHarger

  CDEGH Clinic for the DEspookification of

  GhostHunters

  CECOCOG CEntral COmmission for COmbating Ghosts

  COCOT COntact-COmpression Trap

  FIGHD FIfth GhostHunting Diploma

  GEAS Ghostly Energy Anti-Sensor

  GES Ghostly Energy Sensor

  GHAS GhostHunting ASsociation

  GHASEB GhostHunting ASsociation’s Examining Board

  GHUGL GHostHUnting GuideLines

  GHOM GHOst Magnetizer

  GHOSID GHOst-SImulation Disguise

  GSI Ghost-Speak Interpreter

  GSU Ghost-Sucker-Upper

  HID Heat-Intensifying Device

  HYSOF HYper-SOund Filter

  LOAG List Of All Known Ghosts

  NENEB NEgative-NEutralizer Belt

  OFFCOCAG OFFice for COmbating CAstle Ghosts

  RCFCAG Retention Center For Criminally Aggressive Ghosts

  RICOG Research Institute for COmbating Ghosts

  ROGA Register Office for Ghostly Apparitions

  SEV Spook Energy Visualizer

  SGHD Second GhostHunting Diploma

  SPSP SPark SPrayer

  THGHD THird GhostHunting Diploma

  About the Author

  CORNELIA FUNKE is the author of the bestselling novels Dragon Rider, The Thief Lord, Inkheart, and Inkspell. She lives in Los Angeles, California.

  ALSO BY

  CORNELIA FUNKE

  DRAGON RIDER

  THE THIEF LORD

  INKHEART

  INKSPELL

  WHEN SANTA FELL TO EARTH

  GHOSTHUNTERS

  and the Incredibly Revolting Ghost!

  GHOSTHUNTERS

  and the Gruesome Invincible Lightning Ghost!

  GHOSTHUNTERS

  and the Totally Moldy Baroness!

  Copyright

  First published in Germany as Gespensterjäger in großer Gefahr by Loewe Verlag

  Original text copyright © 2001 by Loewe Verlag

  English translation by Helena Ragg-Kirkby copyright © 2007 by Cornelia Funke

  Interior illustrations copyright © 2007 by Cornelia Funke

  Cover art © 2007 by Guy Francis

  Cover design by Elizabeth B. Parisi and Leyah Jensen

  Published in the United Kingdom in 2007 by The Chicken House,

  2 Palmer Street, Frome, Somerset BA11 1DS.

  www.doublecluck.com

  All rights reserved. Published by Scholastic Inc., Publishers since 1920, by arrangement with The Chicken House. SCHOLASTIC, THE CHICKEN HOUSE, and associated logos
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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Available

  First Scholastic paperback printing, April 2007

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  eISBN: 978-0-545-40603-1