The MirrorWorld Anthology Page 7

  THE GIANT OGRE

  Full-grown Giant Ogres can reach heights of over 7 feet tall. They are carelessly loud and noisy, and far less intelligent than other breeds. They are known for their idiotic hyena-like laughter, as well as for crushing their victims’ skulls with frying pans — mostly because they find this highly amusing.

  THE CHANTING OGRE

  In stark contrast to Giant Ogres, Chanting Ogres are extremely sophisticated. They enjoy indulging their victims in long conversations before killing and eating them — these discussions usually outlining exactly how the Ogre plans to cook them.

  Chanting Ogres are also renowned for their singing. They generally have an impressive repertoire of songs they perform for their various victims while preparing them for dinner, as well as very touching, melodious lullabies they sing to their own children.

  THE WHISPERING OGRE

  Not unlike the Chanting Ogre, the Whispering Ogre has a uniquely insidious manner of stalking, frightening, and killing its prey. These diabolical beasts like to follow their victims for hours, whispering threats and insults into their ears, before finally seizing them.

  THE TRAP BUILDING OGRE

  As the name suggests, these Ogres build elaborate traps to capture their prey — under trees, and cleverly hidden in open clearings and fields. The traps are usually deep holes covered with branches and leaves, the walls stabilized with wooden planks, and the floors padded with moss and leaves to help ensure the victims are still alive and unbroken when they are retrieved.

  THE SPIDER OGRE

  The Spider Ogre also employs traps, but uses swarms of spiders to build them. The massive spiderweb traps can easily catch several victims at once. The spider saliva that covers the webbing is poisonous and often kills the victims, but has no effect on the Spider Ogres themselves. In fact they enjoy wrapping their victims in the webs as a method of cooking them — the poison apparently adding a delicious, spicy flavor to the meat. (Many Ogres, of all varieties, complain that human flesh begins to taste quite dull after a while.)

  OGRE GENDER AND OFFSPRING

  While most people think of Ogres as male creatures, there are of course female Ogres. The male and female, however, do not usually raise their children together — childrearing is the mother's job, and she will often drive the father away, out of concern that he may eat their offspring when faced with a shortage of human food.

  Occasionally, as has been seen with Chanting Ogres, the male and female couple will stay together for life. Such pairings are usually refined into sophisticated and dangerous collaborations, wherein the two develop elaborate hunting schemes and dinner recipes together. There have even been reported sightings of Ogre families who hunt with their offspring — though this writer-observer can not verify the validity of such reports.

  Certain valleys in Austry to this day carry the name "Ogre Valley" ("Menschenfresser-Tal"), as all their human inhabitants have vanished under the hunting efforts of very efficient Ogre clans.

  The Silent Sabre

  The definitive manual on self-defense and gentlemanly conflict, by the MirrorWorld’s greatest swordsman and chivalry practitioner, Sir Willard Wallace III.

  ~ ~ ~

  It is nothing to die; it is frightful not to live.

  The New Fighting Style of Sir Willard Wallace III

  As Written by the Publisher

  Sir Willard Wallace III has just unveiled to the world a system of self-defense which would seem to render anyone acquainted with it practically impregnable against all forms of attack, however dangerous and unexpected they may be.

  It is possible, however, that after a consideration of the explanations which follow, many persons will exclaim, “This is all very well on paper, but in practice it will possibly be otherwise!” We must confess that when Sir Wallace first came into this office with his credentials and claims (a slight, precious looking man with no indications of unusual strength), we ourselves were somewhat skeptical, but a few practical tests soon showed that we were in grievous error! Others, too, have scoffed at first — professional strong men, gymnasts, and athletes generally — but not one of these has met Sir Wallace and put him to the test who has not in the end been bound to admit that this system is irresistible.

  The Chief Constable of Austry says: “In spite of my being a much heavier man than Sir Wallace, his system of defense and retaliation is so much more scientific than my style, that when practicing with him, however great may be my determination to remain firm on my legs and to keep my balance, my efforts are invariably frustrated, and I am ignominiously thrown. Mere strength has no chance of withstanding the science of this new art.”

  The Silent Salutation of Steel

  The swordsman is a man of actions, not words. Though certainly contingent upon the urgency and the circumstances, both social and physical, of the impending duel at hand, the true swordsman will at all times strive to convey the utmost courteousness and decorum by means of proper gesticulatory etiquette before killing or wounding his opponent.

  ~ ~ ~

  Perform sans verbal communication of any type:

  1. Flick the rapier down and angled slightly so the blade becomes as a direct linear extension of the fully extended sword arm.

  2. Begin the bow, maintaining eye contact with the opponent — this more to effect his unease than afford guard.

  3. Complete the bow while lifting the rapier back and upward into an opposite line under the free arm with a graceful sweeping motion that stands in contrast to the sharpness of the opening flick-o-foil.

  ~ ~ ~

  The swordsman should augment this salutation with his own distinctive flourishes and facial gestures so as to craft his entrée maneuver into an expression of his own unique character and style — his pennacchio.

  The Gallant’s Greeting

  When a swordsman is meeting a maiden, impressing a lady, or has assisted a damsel, the jewel in his crown of chivalry will be his modest and dignified gesture of gentility — his “there-de-do” or “ciao bella” if you will. It should, of course, go without saying that the salutation presented here is in no way appropriate for empresses, princesses, or royalty of any type. (For such royal greetings, refer to Peterborough’s Protocols, Second Edition, Chapter 17.)

  The Gallant’s Greeting is not a maneuver that can be taught or learnt in a step-by-step fashion. Like a coin flip or a rooster pop, there is only one step. Mastering the stunt is a matter of practice — trying and erring, in private, until it can be executed as naturally and as flawlessly as the snapping of one’s fingers.

  ~ ~ ~

  1. Convert a formal rapier hat-tip by slipping the tip of the rapier under the brim — being careful to avoid poking the eye — and flicking the hat upward.

  ~ ~ ~

  The Capital Thrust

  When death is nigh, expediency trumps flamboyance. No matter how accomplished the swordsman, there will always exist somewhere an equally skilled opponent. Should this villain ever be crossed in earnest, the only course of action is a direct and speedy win, leaving no window open for counterattack or subsequent reprisals.

  The Capital Thrust involves no feint, no parry, no riposte. It requires simply a calmness of the nerves, a willingness to strike first, and the mettle to do so quickly, without hesitation.

  ~ ~ ~

  1. Stand in The Garibaldi Back-Leaning Guard, the body canted away from the tip of the offending rapier and stealthily augmented with a misleading attitude that conveys a strong internal self-preservational desire to be elsewhere.

  2. Emit a loud, unsettling squeal, so as to stun the foe, and thrust the rapier through his eye.

  ~ ~ ~

  The deadly efficacy of The Capital Thrust, not to mention the life expectancy of the swordsman, can be greatly enhanced by the adoption of a
subtle guise — specifically that of a coward. To this end, the swordsman would do well to incorporate stage lessons into his training regimen.

  Drubbing the Brawler

  While the swordsman is a master of arms, he will often face an opponent whose greatest weapon is his sheer brawn. A drunken brawler, circus giant, or livery brute can in fact present for the swordsman a capital opportunity to apply his prowess with a cudgel or truncheon. There is indeed a unique pleasure to be taken in trouncing a galoot who would seek to impose his superior size and physical strength on a smaller citizen.

  The ruffian’s instigation of an altercation will be for the swordsman as a throw of dice is to the opening of a chess match: the ridiculous swirling-o-fists the brute uses to rile himself up and intimidate his opponent. The true benefit of this show of farce, however, belongs to the swordsman, whence he can time the pugilist’s roisterous rhythm, and perfectly calculate his own counterstrike.

  ~ ~ ~

  1. Stand in Bavarian Monkey Guard, with torso and cudgel held low, counting the brawler’s fisticuff cycles.

  2. The instant the opponent throws an actual punch — usually on the sixth or seventh cycle — simultaneously duck low and step in, under the blow, with cudgel fully cocked.

  3. When the galoot has fully extended his arm and realized his miss, his jaw will drop slightly in disbelief. Precisely at this moment of astonishment, unleash the cudgel with maximum force in an up-strike to his loosened, gaping jaw.

  ~ ~ ~

  The swordsman should be entirely prepared to repeat this exact maneuver several times, as the ruffian’s jaw is often just as resilient as his predictability and stupidity.

  Trimming the Midget

  The tiny people, when aggrieved or violent in intent, will seem to the unlearned swordsman but a trifle. A well-schooled midget, however, can turn his dimensional handicap into a tactical advantage by plying his swordplay on a lower plane than that to which his opponent is accustomed.

  The trick of the Trim is to present the smaller man with what he presumes to be an easy target, thus luring him into a maneuver from which he erroneously believes his gain will be won.

  ~ ~ ~

  1. Assume the Dandy Guard, drawing the midget in, with wrist-cocked rapier angled downward from high above, the torso fully exposed, and the free hand splayed, ready to spring.

  2. Receive the attack not with an expected parry, but rather with the swift snatching of the opponent’s sword by the free hand.

  3. Quickly spin both blades in hand into a two-sword double-threat configuration, targeting the midget’s tiny tummy and head.

  4. The finale should be considered optional, as the opponent has now been rendered defenseless. If however, the midget’s prior or ongoing demeanor and aggression merit greater humbling, which is most often the case, simply remove his cap with a quick skewering by the upper held rapier.

  ~ ~ ~

  Beggar’s Rout

  Few adversaries pose a greater annoyance than the robber-tramp. Invariably armed with the most inane weapon he can find — whether a cobbler’s iron,

  hat-stand, or farm implement — the would-be bandit relies more on terror than arms to achieve his end. And while the savvy swordsman will never find himself without a weapon of some type, he must assume he will not be sporting his trusty rapier when the beggar’s attack comes, as such derelicts will never knowingly place their lives at such risk for bounty alone.

  The beggar’s assault will almost always arrive in the form of an ambush. For this reason, the swordsman should practice and perfect an instantaneous reaction to surprise attacks, until a full-action stance (Plate 1) becomes for him as instinctive and effortless a response as a sneeze is to a nasal irritation.

  ~ ~ ~

  1. Upon initial confrontation, spring immediately into Lightning Guard, projecting the cane boldly into the air and luring the predictably asinine opponent into attacking the exposed lower body. Often this sudden and striking defensive posture will frighten the beggar, and he will simply flee.

  2. If the foe is foolish enough to attack, simply drop the cane firmly to a vertical position with a back-snap of the wrist, and parry the strike.

  3. Simultaneously: grab the vagabond’s parried weapon with the free hand, and strike him in the face with the cane, using maximum force.

  4. Subjugate the beggar using his own filthy weapon, thus preserving both the cleanliness of the swordsman’s walking stick as well as the shame of the offending dolt.

  ~ ~ ~

  The Saucy Stick

  A night on the town presents often a test of the skilled swordsman’s temperament and restraint. A minor affront to one’s honor, to that of a lady, or to an incompetent acquaintance, for instance, need not result necessarily in death or permanent injury, but rather in the simple humiliation of the culprit. Formal walking sticks are most often readily available, if not borne by the swordsman himself, in such circumstances.

  ~ ~ ~

  1. Stand holding the cane as one would the rapier in standard sword-play guard position.

  2. The attack — and this indeed is the feint — is a thrust low, rather than high to the torso or head as will be expected with a standard lunge, accompanied by an equally surprising seizure of the opponent’s weapon with the free hand.

  3. Sharply up-strike to the groin, completing the surprise and causing the clutched stick to be easily taken.

  4. Finish with a double-threat stance, poised to poke-riposte from a kick, or strike down an attempt to rise up.

  ~ ~ ~

  If executed with proper form and a firm up-strike, no further offensive action will be required. The goal of the Saucy Stick is to humble the offending stooge, not to flaunt the swordsman’s skill or cruelty.